Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

What if your “neediness,” your shutdown mode, or your “I’m totally fine, I swear” persona was not a character flaw, but your nervous system trying to keep you alive with the emotional instruction manual it was given as a kid?

That is what attachment styles are really about.

In this article, we are going to unpack what attachment theory actually says, how the four main attachment styles show up in adult life, why you might keep repeating the same relationship patterns, and how all of this connects to your body and nervous system. We will also talk about how attachment can shift over time.

What Attachment Theory Actually Says

Attachment theory started with John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who were studying how babies bond with their caregivers and what that does to their development. The simple version is this. Humans come wired with a deep need to connect to a few key people, especially when we are scared, overwhelmed, or hurt.

When we are very young, our brains are gathering data.

Do people show up when I cry.
Do they comfort me or ignore me.
Do I feel mostly safe or mostly on edge.

From all those experiences, we build what researchers call “internal working models.” That is a fancy way of saying we create mental templates of what to expect from other people and what to expect from ourselves. Am I worth caring about? Are other people reliable, or do I have to handle everything alone?

Those templates do not disappear when we grow up. They come with us into dating, friendships, parenting, work, and even into the way we talk to ourselves when we are struggling.

So if you have ever thought, “Why do I react like this, even though I know better,” there is probably an old attachment pattern underneath it doing its very best with the data it got years ago.

Meet the Four Attachment Styles

Most attachment researchers describe four main adult attachment styles. Secure, anxious, dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant, which is also called disorganized.

These are patterns, not diagnoses. You can be mostly one style with a side of another, or show up one way in romantic relationships and another way with friends.

Think of them as four different nervous system strategies for getting through relationships without getting totally wrecked.

Secure Attachment. “I Am Okay And You Are Okay”

Secure attachment is the “good enough” zone, not the “perfect childhood, no trauma, everyone was emotionally fluent” zone.

People who lean secure usually absorbed messages like “I matter, people mostly show up for me, and I am allowed to be myself.” When they are upset, they can usually reach out and ask for help without crumbling in shame. When they need space, they can take it without disappearing off the face of the earth.

In relationships, secure looks like being able to be close without melting into the other person, and being able to be separate without spiraling. You can say “I love you and I need a quiet night alone” or “That hurt my feelings, can we talk about it” and actually stay in the room emotionally.

It is not drama free. Secure people still get triggered. They just have a little more inner rope to work with.

Anxious Attachment. “Please Don’t Leave”

Anxious attachment often sounds like “I am only okay if you keep proving you are not going to leave.”

If you lean anxious, you might recognize some of these.

You replay conversations for days, analyzing every word. You stare at a text thread like it is a sacred scroll and read it twenty times, convinced there is a hidden insult. If someone takes a little longer to reply, your brain starts offering greatest hits like “What did I do wrong” and “They must be mad at me.”

You might find yourself apologizing constantly, taking the blame just to keep the peace, or turning yourself into a pretzel to make sure the other person is happy.

For a lot of people, this pattern comes from growing up where love was inconsistent, where you had to be useful, impressive, or low maintenance to be “worthy,” or where you were the one smoothing over everyone else’s moods. Your nervous system learned that closeness is fragile, and you must stay hyper aware so you are not blindsided by rejection again.

The anxious part is not trying to ruin your life. It is trying to keep connection from falling apart.

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment. “Feelings Are Messy”

Dismissive avoidant attachment is the opposite flavor on the surface, although underneath it is still trying to solve the same problem.

This pattern sounds more like “I am fine on my own. I do not need anyone. Please stop being so emotional.”

If you lean this way, you might notice that when someone wants more closeness, your body quietly slams a door. You pull back, get busy, bury yourself in work or hobbies, retreat into your head, or tune out. You might truly believe you are just “not a needy person,” while also wondering why everything feels a bit hollow or far away.

Sometimes there is a strong value placed on independence and competence, and emotions are filed under “dangerous” or “useless.” If you grew up being told to toughen up, stop crying, or only got praised for being the strong helper, it makes sense that your nervous system would decide “needing people equals pain, so I am going to avoid that.”

So when relationships get more serious, an avoidant nervous system may quietly start planning escape routes long before a breakup text is ever sent.

Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized). “Come Here, Go Away”

Fearful avoidant, or disorganized, is like having both of those nervous systems in one body, arguing.

Part of you desperately wants closeness. Another part panics when closeness actually happens.

You might text a lot, share deeply, and then suddenly feel overwhelmed and disappear. You might fall into relationships hard and fast, and then pick fights or withdraw the moment it feels too real. You might create distance on purpose so you can leave before the other person does.

This pattern is very often linked with trauma, neglect, or betrayal, especially in early life or in very important relationships. The people who were supposed to be safe might also have been the source of fear, chaos, or harm. So your inner system learned “Love is everything I want and everything that hurts me,” which is a horrible double bind.

If that sounds like you, you are not “crazy.” Your body is bracing for something to go wrong, because that used to be the safest bet.

The Anxious - Avoidant Dance

A really common pattern is when someone who leans anxious pairs up with someone who leans avoidant.

At the beginning, it can feel like fireworks. The avoidant partner may come on strong at first. Lots of attention, big romantic gestures, messages all the time. The anxious partner’s nervous system goes, “Finally, somebody who actually wants me,” and relaxes for a minute.

Then the relationship starts to feel more serious. Emotions deepen. Expectations appear. That same closeness that feels safe to the anxious partner starts to feel suffocating to the avoidant one. They pull back a little to get space. Fewer texts. Slower responses. Less emotional availability.

The anxious partner does not experience that as “Oh, cool, they just need some nervous system regulation.” Their body hears “You are being abandoned again,” and ramps up. They text more, explain more, try to fix the vibe, try to win back the closeness.

Eventually they get worn out and retreat to protect themselves. The avoidant partner feels relief, but also starts to miss the attention and connection, so they circle back.

You can see how this turns into a loop very quickly. Not because either person is bad or manipulative, but because both nervous systems are trying to avoid old pain using strategies that clash.

If you have ever felt stuck in a long push pull situationship, you have probably danced this dance.

Attachment Is Everywhere, Not Just In Romance

We tend to talk about attachment styles in the context of dating and marriage, but these patterns show up everywhere.

In friendships, anxious might look like worrying you are being a burden if you do not bring value to every hangout, or spiraling when someone takes longer to respond. Avoidant might look like keeping everything on the surface and never letting people see you cry, then wondering why you feel lonely.

In parenting, anxious might show up as you feeling like a failure if your child is upset with you for even a moment. Avoidant might show up as you managing every practical detail, but feeling completely lost sitting with their big emotions, so you escape into tasks instead.

And then there is the relationship with yourself.

When you are hurting, do you abandon yourself, numb out, or attack yourself. Do you believe your own needs are “too much” or “not important.” Do you shut down your feelings before they even finish showing up. That is attachment too. It is not only how you attach to others. It is how you attach to you.

Can Attachment Styles Really Change?

Short answer. Yes, they can shift.

Attachment styles are fairly stable when nothing in your environment or behavior changes, but they are not fixed forever. Research suggests that the way we relate to others can move in a more secure direction when we have new experiences and do the inner work to update those old internal working models.

Things that help include:

Awareness. Just being able to say “Oh, this is my anxious pattern,” or “This is my avoidant part trying to protect me,” is a powerful first step. You are shifting from being inside the tornado to watching it from the outside.

Safe, consistent relationships. When you repeatedly experience people who are responsive, kind, and honest, your nervous system slowly starts to believe “Maybe it is safe to relax a little.”

Therapy or coaching. Attachment informed therapy and coaching, especially when it also pays attention to the body, can help you sit with feelings you used to run from, and practice new ways of responding.

Inner child work. Underneath a lot of attachment stuff is a younger version of you who learned “This is how I have to act in this house in order to survive.” Going back to that younger self with compassion, and giving them the words, comfort, and boundaries they did not have, is one way to update the script.

You are not trying to erase your history. You are letting the adult you become the safe person your younger self did not have yet.

Your Nervous System Lives In Your Body

One more huge piece that often gets skipped. Your attachment style is not just a thought pattern. It lives in your nervous system, and your nervous system lives in your body.

Notice what happens physically when your attachment stuff gets poked.

Maybe your chest feels tight.
Maybe your stomach drops.
Maybe your throat feels thick or your jaw locks up.
Maybe your shoulders crawl up toward your ears.

If you have spent years coping by living only “from the neck up,” trying to think your way through everything, actually feeling those sensations can be strange or even scary at first.

That is where somatic work comes in. Somatic approaches focus on how your body holds emotions and stress, and use movement, breath, sensation, and awareness to help your nervous system settle.

You do not have to do anything elaborate. Even putting a hand on your chest and one on your belly, breathing slowly, and telling yourself “I am here with you” when you are triggered is a big deal. That is you learning not to abandon yourself emotionally.

The “Feel Thyself” Meditation

After having some really powerful conversations about attachment, I kept seeing how many of us are trying to heal our relationships while still being almost completely disconnected from our bodies.

So I created a guided meditation called "Feel Thyself".

This meditation is not about standing in front of a mirror and forcing yourself to love your reflection. It is about gently coming home to your body from the inside out.

We move through your body slowly. You are invited to feel your jaw, neck, shoulders, ribs, belly, hips, all the way down to your feet. You are not asked to “fix” anything or convince yourself you like everything you find. The ask is simply to notice and stay kind.

Every inch of you is worthy of attention and care, including the parts you have been fighting with for years.

If you want a way to start practicing a more secure relationship with yourself that does not require you to sit alone with your thoughts and panic, the Feel Thyself meditation is a beautiful place to begin.

You can try it here:

Bringing It All Together

Here is what I want you to take with you.

Your attachment style is not a moral grade. It is not proof that you are “too much” or “not enough.” It is your nervous system’s best attempt to protect you with the tools and models it had at the time.

You can learn what your pattern is. You can spot it when it shows up in your relationships and in the way you talk to yourself. You can start offering yourself a little more compassion in those moments instead of criticism.

And you can begin to shift, slowly, toward more secure connection.

Maybe that looks like telling a partner, “I need reassurance right now,” instead of pretending you are fine and resenting them silently. Maybe it looks like saying, “I care about you and I need a little space to reset,” instead of vanishing. Maybe it looks like putting a hand on your heart when you feel that abandonment spiral coming on and reminding yourself, “I am here. I am not leaving me.”

If you want to go deeper, you can:

Listen to the podcast episode “From Anxious to Secure. Healing Attachment Patterns,” where I talk more about how this connects to my seven pillows of health and especially to relationships. Click Here to Listen.

Practice the Feel Thyself meditation and let your body into the conversation, not just your brain.

And if you are reading this with that little ache that says, “I want different but I am scared,” you are exactly the person this work is for.

You are not broken. You are a whole human with a history, and you are allowed to write a different next chapter.

This is what it means to start unveiling the beautiful Beast within you. 💜

Watch the YouTube Video Here:

Sources and references
What Is Attachment Theory?
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337
Attachment Styles. Causes, What They Mean
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/25170-attachment-styles
Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships
https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html
Contributions of Attachment Theory and Research
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4085672/
Stability and Change in Adult Attachment Styles Over the First Year of College
https://labs.psych.ucsb.edu/collins/nancy/UCSB_Close_Relationships_Lab/Publications_files/Cozzarelli%20et%20al.%2C%202003.pdf
How Childhood Relationships Affect Your Adult Attachment Style
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-childhood-relationships-affect-your-adult-attachment-style-according-to/
What Is Somatic Therapy?
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/what-is-somatic-therapy-202307072951
Somatic Self Care
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/office-of-well-being/connection-support/somatic-self-care